Happy Anniversary

...just a day like any other, You said. 

  Slice, cut , burn, scrape, pierce, poke, choke, slap—hurt people hurt people. You asked why I cared, I asked what kind of a question is that? You said, a sincere one—but it couldn't have been, because You know better. You know that just because You are angry with me, even when I am angry with You, there is never, never, a moment when I don't care. Ever. It is You who stop caring, here and there, is that not so? 

  I was, I am, proud of myself. For last night—for allowing myself the pleasure of being in the moment; for not allowing hurtful thoughts to taint the experience I was there for—truly, not even having hurtful thoughts—a breakthrough!—; for not crying; for interacting even through an uncomfortable meeting, without envy, or fear, or judgment. I was, I am, proud of myself for this morning—again, for not becoming hysterical, for not yelling, or throwing, or hitting anything, even though today is important to me. But, my self-control in these moments is nothing to You. You see no progress there, and are too hardened against me, in a moment, to give me credit. But, I am not giving up. 

  You have been, for many months, on a wonderful journey to a better self. I, am right behind You, soon to be abreast. You hit a very rocky bottom last summer, and it was the catalyst for great change. And yet, there is much that has not changed—I thought it was a goal of Yours, to expand Your patience, especially with me. Why did we get married, if not to support each other, and lift each other up, to be the kind voice when the the inner voice is cruel, to model patience for each other, and to practice on each other love and warmth to spread to the world. But, in times like these, I feel that You attach residual resentments to the situation at hand—and how can I move forward when You treat me just the same? I am taking more responsibility for myself, for my body and my mind, but I don't think that means You have no responsibility to me. I think that whatever relationships we are in, we have responsibilities to our partners. You asked me how much of myself I want to change—I don't think You believe I can, and feel like You have given up on me. I have not hit the same rock-bottom; I am trying to heal myself before it gets that far. Do You see that? Can You believe it? Can You help me, by allowing the past top be the past, and the present the present?

  I didn't think I would be able to sleep, last night, after much ado about nothing. But I took a lesson I had learned, only earlier that day, and imagined soothing light, blue and white and violet, passing through my head, moving up and down my spine, blanketing me. It worked! And I prayed that in the morning, You too would have let it all go. You said You weren't holding a grudge, but what else can I call it, when You are holding on to whatever happened yesterday, the day before, last week, last year... if You are always regarding me as what I was, it keeps Your mind confined, and You confine me to Your contempt, hostility, disappointment—just as, if I were to see You as the same man You were last year, or the one before, I would be doing You a disservice, and an injustice. Please, cast off the past, and know, see, witness that I am stretching, expanding, and growing stronger. It's true.

  I love You. I love so deeply, so fiercely, yes it sometimes hurts, but I would never choose to love You less, for the sake of less pain. I am, we are, still learning ourselves, and each other. Do You want me to fully comprehend who You are? I wonder if that's possible. If You continue to grow and expand and learn, then there will always be more for me, or anyone else, to understand, examine, and know. I think that is exciting! How wonderful, to always be getting better, more interesting! I sometimes feel I know You very well, but I also know that You are mysterious—Through learning myself, loving myself, I will also know more of You. 

  I write this now, hopeful. It is true, that we have, and will, struggle at times. This is true for any relationship that moves through time. But, instead of struggling against each other, we could struggle with each other, for a shared goal. My goal—to see You be the best man You can be, to see me be the best woman I can be, and to share our love and happiness with each other and with others. I believe in us, in our marriage. I believe we both will be fulfilled, and I believe that as we grow together, and for ourselves,though it be painful, at times, we will be grateful for the experience, wiser for the lessons, stronger for the work, and loving for the pleasure...successful for the commitment. 

  Happy Anniversary.