Struggling Fully for Love

  I've never done this before. I'm not sure where to begin. Yesterday, things were no less confusing, and tomorrow looks like more of the same. I'm not sure where to begin.

  Who is it for? Who is any of it for? Who deserves, who "rights" ? I feel like I don't understand anything. I feel like I can't find the words for any of it, and the words that come are more than insufficient, they are lies. 

  My heart is broken daily, and yet, I still sense that I can't properly feel. I cannot fully immerse in anything; there is always a sense of exclusion, apartness, a dullness that cannot be buffed or smoothed or shined away. Everything seems too hard to follow. But the real problem is that I am closed, and opening is somehow the most difficult of all. When I do, it is not reciprocated; when I do not, I am blamed and shunned anyway. I want More, too, but More is out of reach. 

  I can't identify myself. It's so much easier to just sit and stare and cry and feel not feeling feeling too much.

  I live with so much fear, when I want to live beyond the terror. 

  I want to feel joy, and wonder, and novelty, and anticipation. I want to feel happiness, not just the temporary fading of sorrow. I want to be, to live, and think and do and feel and love. I want a mind and a voice. But, what I have to give is so little, and to be noticed, to be loved, the world demands so much that I cannot give. I must be replenished, filled anew or at last. But so little Touches me. 

  Touch me

  Please.