I love you

  Valentine's Day...I have a tricky relationship with this day. This year, having finally gotten used to the look and feel of my hyphenated name, it is the day I fully acknowledge that my marriage is over, that the man  I  have loved most fiercely in my life, the one I have given myself to freely and gladly again and again, is lost to me. Our first date, years ago, years supposed to be on Valentine's Day, but he had car trouble, and had to cancel...I think, that's the story, but looking back, it could have also been that the woman he was living with insisted that she spend the day with him. It would have been my first Valentine's Day with someone in more than three years, and while I had become mostly embittered by the holiday and its corporate roots, I was still very much excited to be with him. We had our date a week later—and that became our yearly celebration— dinner and a trip to an antique shop where we saw many wonders and whatsits, but eventually, bibliophiles that we are, got lost in the booky section, staying there on the floor reading to each other until the shop closed down and we had nearly been locked inside for the night. I found a volume of Emily Dickinson poetry that I brought home, and treasure as a memento of that day, and of the time when we were so excited for each other's gaze. 

  But this is not about that day. This is about today, and now...and now, my heart is broken and lonely, but I know that I am not alone—but it feels Alone. I've been wandering around the house, trying to imagine what it will be like when he's gone, for I'm going to do my best to keep the apartment we've just moved into—the one we've still not totally unpacked, because I think we both knew that our situation was approaching its terminus.  I can only hope for a more amicable break than the cycle we've been in. I did everything I could, but lacking my own mania, I cannot outwit somebody else's. I am so sad that my love for him has only endured through all of the tumult, the storms of his anger, and rage, and depression, and regret, and mania, and love, and joy and wit, I thought that because My Love would not die, Our Love would not die...I was so very wrong. 

  I've been through a lot in the last few years, and learned a lot in the last few days. We were supposed to celebrate next Tuesday, but obviously, there is nothing to celebrate...except, maybe that I've also realized that I will miss him very, very much, and the next steps are unknown to both of us, but I'm going to be ok. I'm going to try my best to take all the energy and effort I've put into everyone else and try, instead, to love myself enough to seek out happiness again. 

  I love you
  I love you


I love you

   I love you



I love you
  
   I 
     love
you


I 
have 
to 
let
you
go